fml

Today, I got a call from the guy I have been seeing. I wasn't him. It was his wife wondering why I have her husband's number. FML.

Today, while I was working at child care, I told a two year old not to hit. He threw a bucket at me that bounced off my forehead. FML.

Today, I learned that while my mom was pregnant with me, she craved cigarettes so much that she named me Nicky after "nicotine. " FML.

Today, I woke up to the sun shining, the birds singing, and an eviction notice. FML.

Today, I found out my girlfriend is pregnant and then decided to break up with her. Why? Were lesbians. FML.

Today, on an incredibly hot day, my flip flop broke, leaving me to walk barefoot on the hot asphalt for a mile and a half to my car. FML.

Today, I discovered that my boyfriend has no intentions of staying with me when he goes off to college. He never has. FML.

Today, I saw a weight loss 'before and after' advertisement and I wished I could at least look like the 'before'. FML.

Today, I woke up from sleeping at my friends house with a bunch of other people, with my waist long hair cut into chunks on my pillow. FML.

Today, I realized that the cashier at the liquor store and I are already on a first-name basis. I just moved to this town a week ago. FML.

Today, I moved in with my boyfriend. Up until now, I thought my cat was the only four year old I had to deal with. FML.

Today, I think my friends were trying to tell me something with all my Christmas gifts being mostly perfume, deodorant, and soap. FML.

Today, my boyfriend took me to a movie. Once we got to our seat he was leaning in to kiss me but then sneezed in my mouth. FML.

Today, I discovered out of the 20 job applications only one job called me for an interview. They told me to leave after two sentences. FML.

Today, I had been sick all day, so to cheer me up my dad drove me to get ice cream. On our way back, we hit a puppy. FML.

Today, I called my boyfriend to tell him how excited I was to drive 12 hours to see him and his new house. His girlfriend answered. FML.

Today, some kids stole all four wheels off my car. They were nice enough to leave a note and some money though, "for the bus" . FML.

Today, my girlfriend decided to break up with me because she found a bra in my cupboard. It was hers. FML.

Today, the ice cream truck went by my house for the seventh time today, as it has for the last seven days of my fasting. FML.

Today, my parents punished me and made me wash my mouth out with soap for cursing. I'm almost 19. I said the word "hell" . FML.

Today, my girlfriend dumped me for someone else. An hour earlier I had just gotten permission from her dad to propose. FML.

Today, I asked my parents to sign for me to enlist in the military. They asked me how much money the government gives them if I die. FML.

Today, I got out of the shower and felt a crunch under my foot. I lifted the bathmat thinking it was a loose tile. It was a mouse. FML.

Today, I found out my girlfriend is pregnant and then decided to break up with her. Why? We're lesbians. FML.

Today, my friend put up the pictures from her birthday party yesterday. I'm conveniently cropped out of every single one. FML.

Today, while I was at work, my boss picked his nose, checked out his finding and flicked it in front of me. FML.

Today, my boyfriend was laying on top of me, looking lovingly into my eyes, when he sneezed, covering my face with snot. FML.

Today, I had an important job interview. The interviewer really seemed to like me. Instead of hiring me, he asked me out on a date. FML.

Today, I found out my girlfriend is pregnant. I then got to tell my wife. FML.

Today, I wore my expensive new blue dress to my boyfriend's house. He made me go home because "his cat hates blue" . FML.

Today, I finally went on a date with my crush. When he kissed me goodnight, it made me think of a dying slug. FML.

Today, my husband tried to be romantic by throwing me in a bed laid with roses. Too bad he forgot to remove the thorns first. FML.

Today, I accidentally set my hair on fire while lighting a cigarette. I panicked and put it out by slapping myself in the face. FML.

Today, I woke up with the remains of a dead bug in my mouth and parts of it stuck between my teeth. FML.

Today, I was cleaning my 17 year old step-son's room when I found my bra and a photo of me in his drawer. FML.

Today, I sat through a movie watching my ex girlfriend and some guy making out in front of me. FML.

Today, while trying to have a serious conversation with my husband about his drug use over text, he came home. Drunk. FML.

Today, I inadvertently talked my girlfriend out of giving me a blowjob for my birthday. FML.

Today, my extremely loud and nocturnal flatmate phoned me to tell me excitedly that he got an accordion for his birthday. FML.

Today, I ran into a bird. Not with my car, with my face. It was so scared, it crapped all over me. FML.

Today, I got out of the wrong side of the bed. Into a wall. FML.

Today, at work, I killed a fly using a rubber band. Since I'm currently doing nothing, I consider it to be the highlight of my day. FML.

Today, my apartment burned to the ground. I was packed and ready to move out tomorrow. FML.

Today, it's my birthday. My mom got me a mannequin because she thought I needed a man in my life. FML.

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me at my grandma's funeral so I "wouldn't make a scene. " FML.

Today, all the while my friends were over, my mom took too many of her pills and walked around the house nude. She then bit me. FML.

Today, my boss sneezed onto his hands. . . and then licked them (yes, really! ) in front of my best customers. FML.

Today, I asked my boyfriend if I could call him "love muffin" . He asked if he could call me "muffin top" . FML.

Today, I tried to jump between the train doors to make it in on time. And missed. FML.

Today, receiving drunken texts asking for sex from an old friend are the most "romantic" things anyone has ever said to me. FML.

Today, during my second day as a receptionist, every time the phone rang I jumped in shock. My co-workers now already think I'm weird. FML.

Today, I learned that "It's so good, but I'm full, " sounds like "It's no good, It's awful" to my girlfriend's easily offended mother. FML.

Today, I did my laundry. When I took it out, everything was clean, including the mouse that had been hiding in it. FML.

Today, my boyfriend brought me to his place to meet his parents. When they saw me, they laughed. FML.

Today, I got a new roommate in the dorms. When I got back to my room, I could smell her feet before I even opened my door. FML.

Today, I learned that if you're going to tell your mother you are gay, make sure she isn't holding a frying pan filled with hot grease. FML.

Today, I got fined when my fat dog decided to walk across a private film set to get at the catering area. FML.

Today, I walked in on my mom trying to wax her butt. FML.

FML Today, while jogging in the park, I saw a man acting strange and trying to talk to 3 little girls.

Today, while at work as an outdoor security guard, I was scared stiff by the noise made by a cat caught in a dumpster. FML.

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, by text, while we were in the same room. FML.

Today, I yelled while I was sleeping. . . I was sleeping at a very important meeting with all the customers and my boss. FML.

Today, I woke up to find a tick stuck to my eyelashes. The only way I know of to get it off is with fire. FML.

Today, I have to call in 'fat' to work because I can't squeeze my ass into any of my work clothes. FML.

Today, my youngest son tried to breast feed off of me. I'm his father. FML.

Today, a random woman walked up, kicked me in the nuts and told me to never call her again. FML.

Today, I failed my driving test. I've been a legal driver in my home country for 8 years, but can't pass the test here. FML.

Today, I found out my boyfriend is an active member of the suicide forum. He told me I should make an account too. FML.

Today, I hurt my jaw after I got hit by a car. While receiving medical attention, the paramedic accidentally punched me in the face. FML.

Today, after my girlfriend of 2 years left me for another guy, I got stuck in an elevator for 3 hours. With both of them. FML.

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me by putting a post-it note on my locker that said "consider yourself dumped" . FML.

Today, I kept dreaming that I had woken up late for my exam. When I actually woke up, the exam was over two hours ago. FML.

Today, I ate 120 raw oysters as a challenge. I spent the rest of my day shitting rainbows on a toilet. FML.

Today, someone whistled, so I turned around. The guy behind me then said: "Did you seriously think that it was meant for you? " FML.

Today, it was my 18th birthday. Nobody said anything. Gillette sent me a free razor though. FML.

Today, I woke up to a broken window and 3 guys sitting in my living room watching TV. FML.

Today, I decided to propose to my girlfriend on the Charles Bridge in Prague.

Today, I found out my mom is getting rid of cable TV. Me and my dad bought her a 700 dollar plasma screen TV for Christmas. FML.

Today, I found out that if I try to resist a 70 pound bulldog that's humping my leg, I will end up with stitches. FML.

Today, I asked my boss what he thought about nipples. I meant to say Naples, where he had just come back from vacation. FML.

Today, I found out that after working in the same office for five years, I now work with three of my husband's ex-girlfriends. FML.

Today, I found out my parents are getting divorced. They're fighting over the dog instead of my sister and me. FML.

Today, my boyfriend got scared of a fly, freaked out, and accidentally punched me in the face. FML.

Today, I was at a public pool. A very fat kid yelled, "Cannon Ball! " He jumped right on me. I now have a broken collarbone. FML.

Today, I was outside, peeing on a cactus. Then all of a sudden my dog jumped on my back, knocking me into the cactus. FML.

Today, I asked the girl I am in love with out on a date. She asked me for my name. FML.

Today, I managed to fall face-first into a used condom. FML.

Today, after not receiving my paycheck for over a month, I confronted my boss about it. His response? "You still work here? " FML.

Today, I woke up next to my dad pissing into a bottle. FML.

Today, I found out why my cat's litter box has stayed so clean. Apparently, my laundry basket full of old clothes is her new bathroom. FML.

Today, I woke up next to my dad pissing into a bottle. FML.

Today, I found out why my cat's litter box has stayed so clean. Apparently, my laundry basket full of old clothes is her new bathroom. FML.

Today, my husband decided it was time to tell me he had a 3 year old son. We have been married for 5 years. FML.

Today, I've learnt that the girl I love thinks I'm gay. To be honest, I'm having doubts too. FML.

Today, it's my birthday. I got a graphing calculator and my period. FML.

FML Today, my math teacher decided to use my acne as an example of symmetry in front of the whole class.

Today, I had to listen to my mother flirting on the phone with my dad's new girlfriend's ex-husband. FML.

Today, I helped my son do his maths homework. He got a C and won't talk to me anymore. FML.

Today, I saw my wife pick her nose and suck on her fingers. We're 38. FML.

Today, I was fired from my job. Apparently getting shot is no valid reason to stay home. FML.

Today, for the first time, I decided to just be myself at work. My boss thought I was drunk. FML.

Today, my girlfriend "accidentally" set her relationship status to "single" , and 20 of my friends "liked" it, including my mom. FML.

Today, my sister is dressing up as a nerd for Halloween. She's using my clothes for the costume. FML.

Today, my husband told me I was lucky to have someone who would love me no matter what my vagina smelled like. FML.

Today, my girlfriend told me she was pregnant. We haven't had sex yet. FML.

Today, I yelled out while I was asleep. However, I was sleeping during a very important meeting with customers and my boss. FML.

Today, my RA informed me that I was so drunk last night, I peed in the hallway. The entire dorm knows. FML.

Today, after being with my boyfriend for seven years, he finally proposed. To another woman. FML.

Today, I went to my boyfriend's apartment to surprise him with breakfast only to find that his other girlfriend had beat me to it. FML.

Today, I overheard my boyfriend's friends describe me as the "fat and crazy girl who smells like deli meat" . FML.

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me by leaving a note on my desk while I was in the bathroom. FML.

Today, I had a Japanese exam. All I could think of was congealed milk. FML.

Today, my landlord informed me that after 8 months, we are finally getting cable and internet in our house. I move out tomorrow. FML.

Today, I was told by my history teacher our finals had to be written in cursive. I should have paid attention in 3rd grade. FML.

Today, I was watching a horror movie with my girlfriend. Suddenly, the killer jumped on screen. My girlfriend screamed. I peed myself. FML.

Today, I slid on the kitchen floor and rammed my nose into the metal door handle on the fridge. FML.

Today, while having sex, I thought I was having an orgasm for the first time. Turns out I was just hyperventilating. FML.

Today, I saw photos of my boyfriend at his 25th birthday party. The one he told me was cancelled. FML.

Today, I was chosen as King for our winter formal. Even after I won, nobody wanted to dance with me. FML.

Today, at a hard rock concert, a bunch of guys accidentally knocked down a port-a-potty while moshing. I was inside that port-a-potty. FML.

Today, my girlfriend went on an internet webpage called "How to confess to having an affair" . FML.

Today, I spilled a half bottle of superglue on my hands. I also found out that cold water only makes it harden faster. FML.

Today, I managed to trap a wasp inside my motorbike helmet whilst driving. I'm allergic to wasp stings. FML.

Today, I went to get a tattoo of my girlfriend's name to surprise her. Halfway through the tattooing, she called and broke up with me. FML.

asn't sleeping. I let a dead woman lie on me for 30 minutes. FML.

Today, I discovered that my cleaning lady steals valuables from me, and covered it up by saying that "the vacuum must've eaten it. " FML.

Today, I found out that just because your boyfriend asks you to marry him doesn't mean that he will show up at the wedding. FML.

Today, I failed my because my scientific calculator was on the wrong setting. FML.

Today, I had the good fortune of finding a seat on the bus, not the norm in Peru.

Today, I had a flight from Florida to Virginia. Unfortunately, 44 fifth graders were on the same plane. FML.

Today, while working on a medical school application, I asked my mom what she thought my greatest challenge in life had been.

Today, as the clock struck twelve for the new year, I was in the bathroom having a nosebleed. FML.

Today, I stood completely naked in front of a full-body mirror for the first time. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. FML.

Today, in front of a bunch of people on my college campus, my mom grabbed my hand and lead me across the street. I'm 20. FML.

Today, I got stuck on the ride "It's a Small World" at Disney World for three hours. FML.

knock off: (in fml), stop working, usu . at the end of the day.

Today, my boyfriend was leaving for work. From the other room I heard him call out, "see you soon beautiful. "

FML Today, my cat managed to lock my dad and me outside of our house.

Today, I won an academic award during an assembly. Everyone laughed, followed by booing. FML.

Today, I found out that I have enough driving skills to manage to hit a pothole and have two of my tires go flat. FML.

Today, my husband woke me up at 3 AM by putting whipped cream on my hand and tickling my nose with a feather. FML.

Today, I cleaned my entire apartment hoping to find the source of the terrible odor I've been smelling for the past week. It's me. FML.

Today, I cut myself with a knife not seconds after telling my supervisor how careful I am with knives. FML.

Today, my friend said he'd give me 20 bucks if I would ask out the ugliest girl in school. I did it. She rejected me. FML.

Today, I was introduced to friends of my boyfriend as "My other girlfriend. " FML.

Today, I heard my newly divorced parents fighting about who gets to keep me. Neither of them want me. FML.

She proposed to me at a subway station first. FML.

Today, a wasp stung my nipple. Twice. The swelling makes it look like I'm growing a third breast. FML.

Today, my ex-boyfriend asked how long he'd have to wait until he could ask out my best friend. We broke up yesterday. FML.

Today, I got a boner at the dentist. FML.

Today, I realized I want school to start again so that I won't be sitting alone in my room all day anymore. FML.

Today, I promised my boyfriend a blow job every time he does the dishes. Every dish in the house has been washed three times already. FML.

Today, I got fired over MSN. I wasn't even online at the time. FML.

Today, my motorcycle was stolen. If that wasn't bad enough, the thief drove past me. Twice. FML.

Today, I got a rejection letter from a college I didn't apply to. FML.

Today, I went on a third date with this guy, hoping I'd finally get some action. I got a high five. FML.

Today, my boyfriend moved. He moved from my to my roommate's room. FML.

Today, everyone thought that I was the one who farted in the lift. FML.

Today, I went camping with my husband. We drove 11 hours to his favourite site before he remembered he didn't put the tent in the car. FML.

Concept : An anecdote always starts with Today and ends with FML. There are no taboo subjects, feel free to express yourself.

Today, while sleeping on the couch, I was rudely awakened by a swarm of ants biting my nuts. FML.

Today, I sprained my ankle while playing soccer. I still have to walk home. In the rain. FML.

Today, I donated blood at my high school. When I went back to class, I abruptly passed out and pissed myself. FML.

Conclusion FML has an obvious antibacterial effect in vitro.

Today, my mother told me she forgot what a verb is. I'm homeschooled, and she's my teacher. FML.

Today, I was up all night studying for my final exam. After working 6 hours straight, I fell asleep in the shower and missed the exam. FML.

Today, my mother is so drunk that she is singing while sitting on the toilet. At 1am. FML.

Today, my boyfriend started to plan our wedding. He included a clown. FML.

Today, I found out my husband put a parental block on the TV so I couldn't rent a movie. I'm 42. FML.

Turns out I had just popped a pimple on his neck. Into my mouth. FML.

Today, I dropped my keys in the sewer. The spare ones are inside my locked car. FML.

Will I only be able to play FML on my home computer?

Today, I went on my first date with a guy I really like. He completely ignored me. FML.

Today, I told my girlfriend of 9 months that I was ready for marriage and start having kids. She hasn't called or text ed me since. FML.

Today, I discovered that I have developed a latex allergy. I'm a third year medical student. FML.

Today, I was opening my locker when the girl with the locker above me slammed her door on my head. FML.

Today, I hired somebody to send me love letters. I'm that lonely. FML.

Today, I saw my dad for the first time in two months. He saw me, but he pretended he didn't. FML.

Today, while attending a funeral, my car was stolen. FML.

Today, I finally got an unsightly mole on my face removed. While I was shaving. FML.

Today, I was given an entire week of detention for planking on my school desk. FML.

Today, I went into work for the first time without make-up. My boss thought I looked so tired and ill, that he sent me home. FML.

Today, a 75 year old lady drove into me. Her excuse was, "I wasn't looking. " Awesome. FML.

Today, I went on a movie date with a guy. He brought his mom. FML.

Today, my 12 year old cousin decided that "all men are pigs" and deleted every male contact in my phone. FML.

Today, I was stuck in stand-still traffic for 15 minutes, before realizing I had stopped behind a parked car. FML.

Today, my dog was watching me and started to have a hard-on. . . for half an hour. FML.

Today, my wife put divorce papers in my birthday card. FML.

Today, I came home and noticed that sometime while I was at school, someone cut off half of my ponytail. FML.

Today, I let my new puppy outside for the first time. When I went to get him, I saw a man running off with him. FML.

Today, I got my cell phone bill. I pay for 700 minutes per month. I used 9 last month. FML.

Today, my mom taught my boyfriend of 2 weeks how to put on a condom. FML.

Today, I had an asthma attack because I was masturbating too vigorously. FML.

Today, I went to my first strip club for my friends birthday. I also found out what my girlfriend does for a living. FML.

Today, I was walking home from work when a hobo checked me out, asking which alley I live in. FML.

Today, I met a really hot guy at a bar.

Today, I found out that my parents are first cousins. FML.

Today, I found out that my current girlfriend has dated all of my friends at one time or another. FML.

Today, the first step I took this morning resulted in a blood-gushing cut on my foot. FML.

Today, I had my leaving party after work to celebrate getting a new job. 3 people turned up. I'd invited 35. FML.

This is the first report of karyotypic analysis of lipomas removed from a patient with FML.

Today, my wife thinks I will agree to anything she says if she just pleasures me orally. I now found out, she is correct. FML.

Today, my friend asked why I always smell like a dead animal carcass. I have no idea. FML.

Today, I became that small percent of people who face three different kinds of complications after their wisdom teeth are removed. FML.

Today, I'm a broke college student who has to resort to visiting friends in order to get a decent meal to eat. FML.

fatality n. (fml) a death caused by accident or in war, etc.

Today, I volunteered to be Auctioned off for Charity. I went for $3. FML.

Today, I finally got my first kiss. I was so excited, I pissed myself. FML.

Today, I was told that my parents would rather go to a cook out down the street than my baby shower. FML.

Today, I saw my brother on TV after 3 years of no contact. He was being arrested on Cops. FML.

Today, I was so bored, I sewed my name into my underwear. FML.

Today, I found a gift card under my bed that I lost a few months ago for $400 to a store that went out of business last week. FML

Rio asked him that "how do you maintain your hair" in front of the whole team. FML.

Today, I text ed the hottest girl in the school saying, "I really like you, we should date" .

Today, I realized I can't introduce any guy I like to my best friend. They all end up ignoring me and hitting on her. FML.

What do I need to play FML?

Today, I went to a party. No one there was under 60. I'm 16 and it was the only party I've been to all year. FML.

Today, I injured my knee and dislocated my shoulder fighting over a cookie with my brother. He's 14. I'm 26. He still got the cookie. FML.

I asked my grandma about this, and she told me that she threw "the TV" away because it "no longer responded to the remote control. " FML

Today, I found out who the father of my sister's 4 year old son is. My husband of 7 years. FML.

Objective To study the antibacterial effect of fresh mulberry leaves (FML) in vitro.

Today, I was driving my little sister to school. She really didn't wanna go and was throwing a tantrum in the car.

Today, I learned that if you stare at your cat and her eyes suddenly get really big, it means she's going to maul your face. FML

The lady behind the counter took one look at me, smiled and said "well, now you'll need a hat. " FML

I found out my grandmother doesn't wear underwear when she bent over in front of me in her inappropriately short nightgown. FML

After my extensive workout, I realized that there was a hole in the crotch of my shorts. FML

13. Today, I got out of the wrong side of the bed. Into a wall. FML

I guess I was going too slow because one of the fathers started chasing me down the street calling me a pedophile. FML

OK. Today, it's my two year anniversary with my wife. She's celebrating the day with her new boyfriend. FML

She works in a toy shop, I was with my five year old daughter, and was pointing to the sign, "Rent A Helium Tank! " FML

To make me feel better, he told me that he gets a boner whenever he walks behind me. FML

Today, I sent a 'Happy Birthday Dad' text. I got a reply saying 'who is this? ' I'm an only child. FML.

Today, I realized that my ex-girlfriend has gone further with a girl than I have. FML

Tonight, she said "I know how to warm you up" and farted on me. FML

Everyone in the office now gives prior notice before dropping by the "fart guy's" office. FML

Today, I had nothing better to do than make a penis out of silly putty. FML

Today, my boyfriend dumped me through a Facebook status, and both my mom and best friend "liked" it. FML

It turns out, my boyfriend drooled so much, it filled my ear and overflowed onto my face. FML

She ended her tirade with, "I just want you to get laid someday. " FML

Today, I bought an apartment over what I have just learned to be an Irish folk music store. FML.

Today, I found out that some men think it's ok to clip their fingernails, at the table, in a restaurant, on a first date. FML

They broke up after he found her in his bed with his roomate. FML

My little brother forgot to tell me he shattered a mirror beside my makeup box. FML

Only then to find out the camera was out of batteries. FML

Apparently, it was broken into again, and set on fire this time. FML

Today, I found out that my wife had an affair with our marriage counselor. FML

He responded by pulling down his pants and slapping his ass. I have no idea what that was supposed to mean. FML

Now I'm single and I have no friends. FML

It was the wrong cab. FML

I got my lip pierced. By the orthodontist. FML