What they'd thought was idealism or the norm beckoning them to perfection was in realityanxiety and fear trying to compensate for insecurity or to replicate a mistaken notion of what was normal.
Every time anxiety enters our thoughts it is imperative to enforce our intervention through awareness, then make some validations as to the reality of the objects of our anxieties.
When listening to your partner's reality, you can learn to tolerate your own anxiety, calm yourself, and not lose sight of what is true from your perspective.